Cutty

 "Everyday is a privilege not promised to many." I saw this in one of those IG reels and it resonated with me.  Just last week, I've had three friends and relatives who passed on.  The one that shocked me most was the death of a former colleague, not so much older than me.  I didn't know that she's been battling with the Big C.  I regret not reaching out to her and not being able to pray for her during her most trying times here on earth.   This is why I find offense when people feel sad about growing old and losing their youth.   Let us strive to appreciate the miracle of life everyday.  We should be thankful that we can still enjoy the company of our family and friends.

I've been pondering on this for days.  Here I am, writing it down, committing it to memory. I realized that holding on to something that doesn't want to be held back is a waste of time and energy.  I am opening myself up to negativity, mediocrity, failure, even sabotage. I might as well accept it.   With acceptance, we can move forward, dictate our own terms and take control.  In a sense, I feel free, free from frustration and failed expectations.  

     You'll be a dalaga soon.  I could hardly believe how fast time has gone.  You used to be this carefree girl who did weird photo poses and who wore pink pasabog clothing.  I remember when I used to tie your hair sideways and dress you up in dresses for Sunday mass.  Now, you are all prim and proper, but wouldn't wear dresses, skirts and pink.        Everyday, I am amazed by your kindness and selflessness.  You were always ready to play rough with your brothers.  They'd make you cry then, you'd play with them again.  You were always the forgiving one and who would do favors for others.  You would indulge your brothers and Daddy when they request for cookies or french toast in the middle of the afternoon.        Everyday, I am amused by your  kikayness .  Who else would were rings and necklaces at home?  Who would sleep with sleeping masks on?  I know you try ...

So, that is what it feels like to be heartbroken.  I haven't cried this much in years.  Yes, hagulgol levels. It is so painful that I could barely function.  I cancelled my commitments.  I prayed for months and I prayed hard.  A lot of people did the work but it wasn't enough.   I cry for our country.  I cry for what could have been.  I expect that the tears will continue to flow.  Until when? Who knows?   This was our chance, how did we blow it?  I was hoping to see true reformation in this lifetime.   The road to acceptance is long and hard.   For now, I guess, I will just cry it out.   

As Metro Manila eases back to its pre-pandemic routine, why do I feel like another chapter is coming to a close?   I am anxious to go back to our previous routine, only to find that we've drifted apart. Friends and family have relocated to far away places.  Some have simply chosen to move on.  Some have decided to scale down to what's really important.  This pandemic has reduced relationships into memories.   Part of me is sad to face the reality that maybe it is time to end this chapter, too.  I was looking forward to making more memories with lots of you.  Maybe, it is time to begin another chapter anew.

Vic and I would go on walks after dinner.  It is much cooler, less crowded and we can remove our masks.  We'd see houses and their Christmas decors.  We'd see nice trimmings that we'd like to add on to our own home some day. We'd also see houses that were flood-stricken, houses that seemed unable to recover from Ondoy and Ulysses. These days, it is not enough to have money to build your own house.  We have to set aside funds for upkeep and maintenance.  Owning a house doesn't end with building it.  The expenses never end.  There should also be Plan B for incidents that warrant emergency repairs.   It is a sad realization.  But, it is also a lesson worth remembering.  

This pandemic has forced us to find joy and excitement in the simplest things.  The things we took for granted pre-pandemic give us a great deal of joy now.   What is my source of joy on a usual blah Thursday? ... a bottle of Toffee Nut Syrup for my coffee ... a long-overdue massage ... one-on-one coaching ... words of affirmation and appreciation ... words of encouragement ... organizing my closet space ... ripe mangoes ... mildly scented soaps ... successful food experiments  ... the anticipation of family gatherings in the coming days Gosh, now that I've listed them down, there are so many things to be grateful for.  What gave you joy today?

What is bliss?  We often hear it in phrases like "marital bliss" or "ignorance is bliss."  They say bliss is eternal happiness.  But for us living mortal lives, we know that isn't always true.  There are moments of happiness and unhappiness.   So, maybe, bliss is contentment.  "Steady lang," in our vernacular.  It is that stage in one's life when one realizes he/she received everything he/she prayed for. It's funny because it often comes with paranoia.  We wonder how long it will last.  

We are on the 4th week.  I am not complaining.  There are news of extending the ECQ and I am all for it.  In fact, we've decided that even if the lockdown were lifted, we'd still stay put at home.  There are still a lot of infected people out there who haven't been tested.  Especially now that we are hearing about how much it costs to stay in the hospital, more people will be inclined to just go about it on their own and roam around the city with no care. More food establishments opening up. I do not know how they are staffing their stores without public transportation. But, I hope we’d have a chance to satisfy our cravings. I need my iced mocha fix.  I am still craving for Korean Banchan (?). I just hope I can get the ingredients so I can recreate these dishes at home. But, with people becoming more mobile, won’t the threat of the virus be more intensified? I've been busy baking.  I was able to get my supplies before the Holy Week and was able to ...

For weeks now, I've been trying to process these emotions that engulf me.  I do not know if these are just hormones.  I've felt immense anxiety, loneliness, gratitude, pride (the good kind), anger, relief.  Many times I've been offended by people's selfish and greedy ways that I just couldn't help bursting into tears.  It is difficult to process.  I always have a hard time understanding why such behavior exists. I do acknowledge these feelings, I do not disregard them.  I bring out my emotional oils and sniff them till I feel better.  Most importantly, I pray long and hard that I overcome these negative feelings right away.  This is the most effective of them all. 

I am not one who does resolutions.  But, when 2019 began, I did something new .  I wrote down my goals for the year.  I referred back to it when I get lost along the way.  There were changes in lifestyle, perspective and attitude. 2019 was difficult year for me.  A lot of stumbling blocks came into view.  New trials made themselves known on a monthly basis.  I thought I'd have a more relaxed Christmas season this time.  Boy, was I wrong.  I was working in the Kitchen till the 24th. But, looking back, I was able to accomplish some of my plans.  I achieved my top priority. That's the most important thing.   As 2019 drew to a close, there were feelings of contentment, relief, gratitude, anticipation and hope.  Most importantly, there is happiness.  It was easier to bid 2019 farewell.  It wasn't a total waste, after all.  I am satisfied with these small steps. Now, as I sit quietly in my corner, I ponder o...

It has been a few days since my family got back from our vacation.  We are slowly and reluctantly going back to our routine.  I've barely adjusted to the time and I am itching to leave again. Does that happen to you too or is it just me?  This traveling thing is addicting. We get to experience life without responsibilities, work, bills, and just live the good part.  Who doesn't want endless sight-seeing, shopping, feasting and living la dolce vita ? But we can not escape reality.  For now, work is a necessity... necessity to fund my next leisure activity.  So, until the next trip.  Adios!

I have always been bothered by people who have no care in the world when it comes to spending.  Maybe, because it is not who I am.  Because, if I were in the same position, I know wouldn't be like that. Growing up in a Catholic environment, Ivalued simplicity and moderation.  I often heard the term "solidarity with the poor." We were given the means to strive for our desires.  But, we also have minds to temper our desires. According to Merriam-Webster, temperance is the habitual moderation in the indulgence of appetites or passions.  In plain English, it is self-control. As a parent, I always think of the impression of my actions on my children.  I think about my spending habits, about over-indulging on food and drinks, about rewarding myself with too much time on the computer. Temperance, moderation, simplicity.  These are values I want to instil on my children.  Because children who are over-indulged are not self-reliant, do not respect ...

For the life of me, I can not imagine how some people can spend endlessly, as if they really pick money from the tree.   Do they really have deep pockets?  Do they have endless wealth?  Or, are they secretly drowning in debt? I guess, I was once like that.  Spending as if there is no tomorrow.  The desire to acquire was there.   The desire to have the best of life was there, at least, until life happened.  Now, there is the future to think about.  I am talking about educational plans, insurance payments, school fees, emergency funds to fill.   With four kids to think about, I can't spend a single hundred without assessing if it is a need or a want.  Sometimes, I forego of rewarding myself for the sake of this and that.  I have been doing this exercise for a couple of years now.  It was good for my EQ.  I am not heart-broken now that I don't have the latest "big" thing. I guess it is because I am more exposed...

Back when Vic and I were still a young couple, I felt that Valentine's Day was a big deal.  I don't mind if I don't receive flowers.  But, there has to be a special dinner.  Now that we have celebrations like annniversaries and birthdays too close to Valentine's Day, I felt it unnecessary and bothersome to celebrate.  With the cheesiness I see on TV and FB, it is starting to get very corny. Honestly, I feel that Mother's Day should be given more importance.  Hehehe.  Well, as we mature, our priorities change.  We became pratical too. Vic and I went on a pre-VDay night out with friends.  It was spent singing, drinking and catching up with friends.  It was a good night that lasted till the wee hours of the following day. On Valentine's Day, I did my usual thing.  I paid the spa a visit after an early morning singing engagement.  We brought the car in for some repairs.  After getting things in order, we shared a special meal...

The Lenten Season officially starts today. With so many things going on, I'd have to remember that it's also a day of fasting and abstinence. ------------------ I find it so troubling that people these days no longer trust the Church. They'd rather skip the priests and the sacraments and go directly to God. To many, this human aspect of the Church has been causing the indifference of many Catholics. These people believe in God but they do not believe in the structure that God Himself created. Masyado na ba tayong naging bilib sa sarili? Remember, THAT started the downfall of man. Let us remember that we also need this human aspect. When we have a big dilemma, we run to them. When we need a response from God, we seek theirs. When we need to hear that we're forgiven, don't we believe them? This human characteristic is there to provide guidance, to make a relationship with God more attainable and less mysterious. They may err on the implementation and may ha...

A few days ago, Vic asked me what I want for Christmas. Though it was nice to be asked, I do not have a ready answer for him. He didn't ask me last year, so I wasn't expecting the question. Besides, I grew up not being asked what I want for Christmas. When I was little, I do not recall getting Christmas presents from my parents. My siblings and I usually got a new set of clothes for Christmas parties. Those were our gifts already, according to my mother. After that, I never expected to get any Christmas gifts from my parents. I always had gifts from aunts, uncles and godparents. A couple of days later, here I am, still thinking of what I want to receive for Christmas. It would have been easier if I wanted another pair of shoes or another bag. But I don't. I really don't know what I want to get. ------------------ I was watching TV when I heard this. "Today is a gift. That's why it's called present." Tama nga naman. Whoever equated "to...

They always wanted the best. So, they bought the best. They could afford it anyway. They couldn't stand being second best or being left behind. Kung mahuli man, be ready to be upstaged. Kung anong uso, meron sila. But really, all this urge to acquire things merely covers up the loneliness and emptiness inside. Kung anu-ano nang meron sila, di pa rin sila masaya. Maybe they'll find joy and contentment in giving and sharing.

The system used to work for their advantage. They basked in the fame and glory it brought. Now that it brought inconvenience and sleepless nights, they fight to change it, to make it work for them again. ---------------- Gumaganti lang, naging bayani pa. Ang publicity nga naman.

When I get too busy tending to everyday stuff, I have the tendency to lose focus. Stumbling into this made me realize that I need to refocus my emotions and energy on the positive rather than the negative. I'd like to share with the Prayer of William Barclay "O Father, give us the humility which realizes its ignorance, admits its mistakes, recognizes its need, welcomes advice, accepts rebuke. Help us always to praise rather than to criticize, to sympathize rather than to discourage, to build rather than to destroy, and to think of people at their best rather than at their worst. This we ask for thy name's sake."