Cutty

I do not have my heart set on doing this yearly round-up.  I wasn't as eager to set goals for this coming year.  There are still a number of goals that need to be attained.  Why is that?  Are my goals too unattainable?  Did I become complacent?  I guess, it is a mix of both.   So, for this coming new year, I am going to be more intentional about my goals.  It is time to plot those small steps that will help me reach those milestones.  I will make it measurable and simple. ------------------ Looking back at the previous twelve months, they weren't a complete waste.  Yes, it was difficult.  It was an eyeopener too.  For most of the year, I've encountered a series of disappointments.  But then, I found out who are loyal, sincere and generous.  I found persons who I can lean on and who I can draw strength from.  Time exposed people with ulterior motives.  I was able to distance myself from people who h...

Stress is a word I do not use lightly.  I am very careful when I use this word.  I do not acknowledge having it because I do not want it to overwhelm me.  Everybody undergoes stress.  It has good and bad effects.  Some people are more productive when challenged.  It becomes their motivation.  Some people react differently when under tremendous amounts of stress.  Stress causes hypertension, even cancer.  Some say it is due to the constant production of adrenaline. I used to eat stress for breakfast.  It has propelled me to do what I can do.  It has made me tough.  It may also be the reason I am mentally sound despite all these going on around me.  I can take it all in a stride and I rarely panic.  Hence, the superwoman version of me was born. But, the pandemic happened.  I got used to life with a different kind of stress, one that didn't involve the adrenaline rush.  I learned about mind spaces and settling ...

 When everything else seems hopeless, just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I've been pondering on this for days.  Here I am, writing it down, committing it to memory. I realized that holding on to something that doesn't want to be held back is a waste of time and energy.  I am opening myself up to negativity, mediocrity, failure, even sabotage. I might as well accept it.   With acceptance, we can move forward, dictate our own terms and take control.  In a sense, I feel free, free from frustration and failed expectations.  

     You'll be a dalaga soon.  I could hardly believe how fast time has gone.  You used to be this carefree girl who did weird photo poses and who wore pink pasabog clothing.  I remember when I used to tie your hair sideways and dress you up in dresses for Sunday mass.  Now, you are all prim and proper, but wouldn't wear dresses, skirts and pink.        Everyday, I am amazed by your kindness and selflessness.  You were always ready to play rough with your brothers.  They'd make you cry then, you'd play with them again.  You were always the forgiving one and who would do favors for others.  You would indulge your brothers and Daddy when they request for cookies or french toast in the middle of the afternoon.        Everyday, I am amused by your  kikayness .  Who else would were rings and necklaces at home?  Who would sleep with sleeping masks on?  I know you try ...

It is a wonder how fast those first five months have gone.  Soon, we will be celebrating Christmas.  I keep going back to the goals I've set in the beginning of the year.  I do not even know what we will achieve by the end of the year.  Some plans didn't work out.  Some days, I feel that we are being pushed farther and farther away from our plans.   It is painful to witness how things turned out.  I am constantly assessing.  Am I being led away?  Is this for me? I just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.  Before we know it, I am there. 

My youngest son, who turned 8 this year,  has been bugging me and my husband to give him a room.  There are extra bedrooms in the house but they've been converted into storage rooms.  He talks non-stop about how he is going to fix up one of the rooms. He shares a bedroom with his brothers.  But most of the time, he co-sleeps with us.  I, on one hand, wouldn't want to upset the room "organization" because I am quite sure that he'll go back to co-sleeping with us.  Emptying out the space and making it suitable for sleeping will take too much work.   The smart little guy came up with an idea.  He wanted to try out sleeping on his own in the boys' room, without his big brothers.  Maybe that would convince us.   Before I prepare myself for bed, I checked up on him to see if he has settled in nicely.  Lo and behold, he is already asleep!  My mommy heart couldn't decide whether I should be happy or sad. ---------------------...

So, that is what it feels like to be heartbroken.  I haven't cried this much in years.  Yes, hagulgol levels. It is so painful that I could barely function.  I cancelled my commitments.  I prayed for months and I prayed hard.  A lot of people did the work but it wasn't enough.   I cry for our country.  I cry for what could have been.  I expect that the tears will continue to flow.  Until when? Who knows?   This was our chance, how did we blow it?  I was hoping to see true reformation in this lifetime.   The road to acceptance is long and hard.   For now, I guess, I will just cry it out.   

As Metro Manila eases back to its pre-pandemic routine, why do I feel like another chapter is coming to a close?   I am anxious to go back to our previous routine, only to find that we've drifted apart. Friends and family have relocated to far away places.  Some have simply chosen to move on.  Some have decided to scale down to what's really important.  This pandemic has reduced relationships into memories.   Part of me is sad to face the reality that maybe it is time to end this chapter, too.  I was looking forward to making more memories with lots of you.  Maybe, it is time to begin another chapter anew.

For a couple of weeks now, I've been trying to figure out what to do.  I seem to have lost my way and I have lost my motivation.   I have gone back to my goals and tried to figure out my footing. I am still there and I crawling my way back to the right path. How can you lead when you've lost your sense of direction?

During one of my virtual travels, I chanced upon this YouTube video about the northern lights.  I liked the aesthetic and calmness of the video that I was drawn to check out the other ones in the channel.  It helped that the videos are narrated in English so it was easy to understand. Jonna Jinton is what I consider a real-life Elsa.  She is an artist, photographer, jewelry-maker, and musician thriving in the beautiful region of North Sweden. She has long blond hair and she likes taking a swim in icy cool waters in frozen bodies of water.  She records ice sounds and makes music out of them.  Her rock formations are wonderful photography subjects.  Her small business operation creates jobs for her small community in the North.   She loves nature and she lives in a cabin in the middle of the woods.  She uses torches and candlesticks at night so she may be living off the grid too. I could be wrong.  Her vlogs have this ethereal feel, so di...

 When we are feeling de-motivated, helpless and lazy,  here is a quick reminder.

 I've been watching self-help videos on YT and have been noting down inspiring words.  This one by Warren Buffett resonated strongly.  May this guide you too, in whatever you venture into.

I've been home-schooling my youngest for two years now.  It is both convenient and economical.  However, during times of isolation, he is also isolated from his home educator.  Yes, we stopped our sessions in the meantime.  Now, he has a lot of free time to fill up.  He has his devices but I guess he's had his fill of the Internet. Yesterday afternoon, he asked to speak to his kindergarten classmates.  He is bored daw .  Nobody wants to play with him.  His siblings are all older than him.  Nakakaawa .  While I have my ways to keep myself occupied, I've forgotten how my youngest will fill up his day. Since my middle children are capable and independent, I've asked them to help "entertain" our bunso .  Bettina will bake, do art, teach Joaquin how to play the guitar.  Bettina is very patient with him.  She is the perfect big sister.  Javi, on the other hand, is Joaquin's "best friend."  Javi will teach him how to pl...

 How do I keep myself sane while in isolation?  Since I am currently asymptomatic, I am mobile and able to be productive, here's what I have been doing: 1.  Bingeing on Netflix and Viu 2.  Re-arranging my living space to make it more functional.   3.  De-cluttering my space 4.  Engaging in work-related activities 5. Read. 6. Plan for the day we get released from isolation. 7. Online shopping 8.  Order grocery and meds 9. Make arrangements for disinfection 10.  Plan for less contact in waste disposal. Distracting myself with all these does wonders for my mental health.  There is no time to feel overwhelmed.   

Omicron hit home.  We got exposed to a family member.  Vic showed symptoms 2 days after exposure.  My eldest exhibited symptoms  the following day, without fever.  5 days after exposure, I am waiting for my symptoms to make themselves known.  Still, I am assuming that I am also positive. I admit, I couldn't grasp the thought of having it in our home.  My primary concern was my unvaccinated children.  Though what we got was mild, there still is no certainty how my unvaccinated children will react to this strain.   I tried to prepare for it as soon as we heard that our primary exposure tested positive.  I put all our meds in place, I tried to gather information from those with unvaccinated patients, planned our meals, briefed the whole household on what to expect.  This way, we can limit the impact of these adjustments.  Personally, having all these in place made it easier for me to have a sense of control.  Managing th...

I am anticipating a business trip that might happen sooner rather than later.  I think, as soon as quarantine upon arrival at the destination is lifted, we'd be able to visit. Out of boredom, I opened my closet and scouted for business-worthy wardrobe.  I cleaned out my closet several times this year and I got worried that I may have given away clothes that I will need.  I didn't want to have a new suit made.  I also checked out the possibility of layering just in case our visit falls during cold-weather season. So far, I have 5 sets of clothing appropriate for business meetings.  Footwear is a different matter altogether. It's funny because I even bought a pair of cold-weather gloves from Muji because it was heavily discounted.  Hahaha.  That's what you call manifesting. I hope the date gets settled soon.  

I am really not into resolutions at the beginning of the year.  I find them corny.  However, recently, I learned the importance of setting goals.  I listed down goals I wanted to achieve for 2021 and I am so relieved that I achieved most of them.  So, yeah, I am more into goal-setting. This afternoon, my husband and I had a one-on-one to set our family goals.  We haven't done so in the past.  I realized that we are so aligned that we have the same priorities and goals for our family.  I am so grateful to have a partner in life who has the same priorities as me.  I was worried that I had to convince him about some plans I had in mind.  I am also relieved that he hasn't forgotten to dream and yearn for better things for himself and for our family.  We've planned our major expenses for the year.  We've figured out how to fund our business ventures too.  If everything pans out, hopefully, we'll be able to move on to our long term p...