Cutty

Stress is a word I do not use lightly.  I am very careful when I use this word.  I do not acknowledge having it because I do not want it to overwhelm me.  Everybody undergoes stress.  It has good and bad effects.  Some people are more productive when challenged.  It becomes their motivation.  Some people react differently when under tremendous amounts of stress.  Stress causes hypertension, even cancer.  Some say it is due to the constant production of adrenaline. I used to eat stress for breakfast.  It has propelled me to do what I can do.  It has made me tough.  It may also be the reason I am mentally sound despite all these going on around me.  I can take it all in a stride and I rarely panic.  Hence, the superwoman version of me was born. But, the pandemic happened.  I got used to life with a different kind of stress, one that didn't involve the adrenaline rush.  I learned about mind spaces and settling ...

 When everything else seems hopeless, just keep moving forward, one step at a time.

I've been pondering on this for days.  Here I am, writing it down, committing it to memory. I realized that holding on to something that doesn't want to be held back is a waste of time and energy.  I am opening myself up to negativity, mediocrity, failure, even sabotage. I might as well accept it.   With acceptance, we can move forward, dictate our own terms and take control.  In a sense, I feel free, free from frustration and failed expectations.  

     You'll be a dalaga soon.  I could hardly believe how fast time has gone.  You used to be this carefree girl who did weird photo poses and who wore pink pasabog clothing.  I remember when I used to tie your hair sideways and dress you up in dresses for Sunday mass.  Now, you are all prim and proper, but wouldn't wear dresses, skirts and pink.        Everyday, I am amazed by your kindness and selflessness.  You were always ready to play rough with your brothers.  They'd make you cry then, you'd play with them again.  You were always the forgiving one and who would do favors for others.  You would indulge your brothers and Daddy when they request for cookies or french toast in the middle of the afternoon.        Everyday, I am amused by your  kikayness .  Who else would were rings and necklaces at home?  Who would sleep with sleeping masks on?  I know you try ...

It is a wonder how fast those first five months have gone.  Soon, we will be celebrating Christmas.  I keep going back to the goals I've set in the beginning of the year.  I do not even know what we will achieve by the end of the year.  Some plans didn't work out.  Some days, I feel that we are being pushed farther and farther away from our plans.   It is painful to witness how things turned out.  I am constantly assessing.  Am I being led away?  Is this for me? I just have to keep moving forward, one step at a time.  Before we know it, I am there. 

My youngest son, who turned 8 this year,  has been bugging me and my husband to give him a room.  There are extra bedrooms in the house but they've been converted into storage rooms.  He talks non-stop about how he is going to fix up one of the rooms. He shares a bedroom with his brothers.  But most of the time, he co-sleeps with us.  I, on one hand, wouldn't want to upset the room "organization" because I am quite sure that he'll go back to co-sleeping with us.  Emptying out the space and making it suitable for sleeping will take too much work.   The smart little guy came up with an idea.  He wanted to try out sleeping on his own in the boys' room, without his big brothers.  Maybe that would convince us.   Before I prepare myself for bed, I checked up on him to see if he has settled in nicely.  Lo and behold, he is already asleep!  My mommy heart couldn't decide whether I should be happy or sad. ---------------------...

So, that is what it feels like to be heartbroken.  I haven't cried this much in years.  Yes, hagulgol levels. It is so painful that I could barely function.  I cancelled my commitments.  I prayed for months and I prayed hard.  A lot of people did the work but it wasn't enough.   I cry for our country.  I cry for what could have been.  I expect that the tears will continue to flow.  Until when? Who knows?   This was our chance, how did we blow it?  I was hoping to see true reformation in this lifetime.   The road to acceptance is long and hard.   For now, I guess, I will just cry it out.