Cutty

My youngest son, who turned 8 this year,  has been bugging me and my husband to give him a room.  There are extra bedrooms in the house but they've been converted into storage rooms.  He talks non-stop about how he is going to fix up one of the rooms. He shares a bedroom with his brothers.  But most of the time, he co-sleeps with us.  I, on one hand, wouldn't want to upset the room "organization" because I am quite sure that he'll go back to co-sleeping with us.  Emptying out the space and making it suitable for sleeping will take too much work.   The smart little guy came up with an idea.  He wanted to try out sleeping on his own in the boys' room, without his big brothers.  Maybe that would convince us.   Before I prepare myself for bed, I checked up on him to see if he has settled in nicely.  Lo and behold, he is already asleep!  My mommy heart couldn't decide whether I should be happy or sad. ---------------------...

So, that is what it feels like to be heartbroken.  I haven't cried this much in years.  Yes, hagulgol levels. It is so painful that I could barely function.  I cancelled my commitments.  I prayed for months and I prayed hard.  A lot of people did the work but it wasn't enough.   I cry for our country.  I cry for what could have been.  I expect that the tears will continue to flow.  Until when? Who knows?   This was our chance, how did we blow it?  I was hoping to see true reformation in this lifetime.   The road to acceptance is long and hard.   For now, I guess, I will just cry it out.